Islam for Non-Muslims

• RELIGIOUS FAITHS VS IRRELIGIOUS IDEAS
• 1 The Present State of the World Religions
• 2 Religious System as a Historical Reality
• 3 The Evidences of God across the Universe
• 4 The Absolute Oneness of God
• 5 The Reality of the Afterlife
• 6 The Growth of Irreligious Ideas
• 7 Worshipping Natural Elements
• 8 Worshipping Imaginary Idols
• 9 Worshipping Human Beings
• 10 Inventing Relationship to God
• 11 Inventing the Idea of Reincarnation
• 12 Inventing the Theory of Evolution (Darwinism)
• 13 Inventing ‘Nature’ as the Creator of the Universe
• 14 Importance of Religion in this Secular World
• ISLAM AS A RELIGION
• 15 Addressing the Criticisms of Islam
• 16 Islam as a Magnet for the Non-Muslims
• 17 The Quran as the Original Divine Book
• 18 The Quranic Reality in Archeological Findings
• 19 Muhammad (pbuh) as the Great Prophet
• 20 Islam as the True Religion
• 21 Islam as the Universal Religion
• 22 Islam as the Eternal Religion
• 23 Islam as a Practicable Religion
• 24 Islam as an Enjoyable Religion
• 25 Islam as the Peaceful & Savior Religion
• 26 Islam as the Progressive & Rational Religion
• 27 Islam in Health & Hygiene
• 28 Islam in Promotion of Science
• 29 Muslims in Practices of Science
• 30 Islam & Other Monotheisms: Similarities & Differences
• 31 Islamic Tolerance for Other Religions
• 32 Islamic Rights for Non-Muslim Citizens
• ISLAM AS A WAY OF LIFE
• 33 Islamic System vs. Human Ideologies
• 34 Moral & Social Impacts of Islamic Rituals
• 35 Moral Discipline in Islam
• 36 Sinning of 3 W’s: Women, Wine and Wealth
• 37 Dignity & Equality of Man in Islam
• 38 Human Rights in Islam
• 39 Social Duties in Islam
• 40 Dignity & Rights of Labor in Islam
• 41 Dignity of Women in Islam
• 42 Rights of Women in Islam
• 43 Marriage & Family Life in Islam
• 44 Political Philosophy in Islam
• 45 Economic Principles in Islam
• 46 Islamic Economy vs. Capitalism & Communism
• 47 Patriotism & Internationalism in Islam
• 48 Understanding Controversial Issues in Islam
• 49 Conversion to Islam: Problems & Prospects
• 50 Conclusive Message to the Non-Muslims

43: MARRIAGE & FAMILY LIFE IN ISLAM

Introduction: Islam views marriage based family as a vital institution of the society. Marriage plays crucial roles in meeting your biological, recreational, emotional, social, economic and other types of needs. Marriage based family is an ideal setting for biological reproduction of “sons and daughters and grandchildren” (16:72) in a responsible manner and disciplined parenting of your future generations. It also provides mutual supports in times of your desperate needs like old age.    
Historically, there had been attempts to undermine this institution that range from Greek scholar Plato’s proposal for abolishing the family to homosexual movement to declining trend of marriage in modern free-mixing culture. The results of these developments only show how the society stands to lose without marriage. In this backdrop, Islam singles out the legally marriage based family as a necessity and then moves on to give a framework of a model family based on Quranic rulings and the Prophet’s traditions.

(1) Features of Islamic Family:

(i) Sexual Decency: Islam recognizes in its family model only the relationship between religiously married husband (male) and wife (female). Any other forms of partnerships such as between homosexual men or women or sex relations outside marriage are off limits. Islam aims to protect the society from problems like loveless partnership, divorced life, unwanted child, runaway husband, irresponsible parenting, single parenting, child deprived of care and inheritance, abandonment of elderly parents etc.

(ii) Protection: Islam emphasizes on mutually responsible relationships among members of the family. Within its umbrella may remain not only the nuclear family members (couple and young children) but also extended members like grandparents, grandchildren etc. who are closely bound in blood relations and often have no reliable place for living. Your individual conditions will determine the size of your household and will help you decide who among them will reside under the same or different roofs but under your needed financial care. The family with legal and/or moral responsibility can secure its members from reliance on uncertain or inadequate sources of outside funding.

(iii) Discipline:

(a) Husband as a Family Leader: With growth of membership, a family takes the form of a mini organization and every organization needs a leader to enforce discipline. In the case of family, usually the husband appears to be a better candidate for leadership “with a degree (of advantage) over them (wife)” (2:228) obviously for 2 reasons: (i) usually husband is “the maintainers of women” as “they (are legally supposed to) support them from their means” (4:34); (ii) generally he is the better “protector” of her interests from external and internal challenges ( like fighting any intruders, lifting heavy load etc.) as “(usually) God has given the one (husband) more (strength) than the other (wife)” (4:34).  Likewise, the wife will bless the family with “loyalty”, “guarding” her chastity, motherhood roles etc. (4:34).

(b) Wife as a Deputy Leader: The above is not any rigid arrangement for giving absolute power to the husband. For example, she has the right to disagree or disobey in case of his wrongful decision or sinful advice. While he is the leader of the family (like a President) of this mini organization, she is the deputy leader (like a Managing Director) for the rest of the family (e.g. children). She also can provide him necessary advice and make key decisions in case of his absence or disability. Fortunately, her influence grows further with the maturing of her children who tend to be closer to mom for her greater roles in producing and raising them. The family is built upon their relationship of trust, love, cooperation and sacrifice. Both are expected to perform their complementary roles according to the natural division of labor. For example, only she can bear children and better care them and her absolute proficiency in such indoor jobs releases enough time for her husband to engage in outdoor activities needed for making money and the like.

(2) Happiness of The Husband/Wife:   Islam goes by a plan for ‘0’ sex before and 100% sex after marriage.

(i) Benefits from ‘0’ Sex before Marriage: As Muslim women and men, you can enjoy an immunity from AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases, thanks to your abstinence. You can also gain freedom from adultery related negatives like shamelessness, distrust from partners due to free mixing, playing games of betrayal through partnership changes, burdens of teenage pregnancy etc.   In this manner, you can save time to focus more on the positives like better education and career for family. Your interim distance from sexual obscenity will be more than compensated by your mental pleasure. You will enjoy a sense of purity, without any distraction from any sex scandals or guilty feeling for that. You will be waiting for your future marriage with the sweet dream of your matching partner with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life.  God promises to reward your sexual purity by His generic policy of destining a “men of purity for women of purity”. (24:26)

(ii) 100% Sex after Marriage:

(a) Promoting Marriage: Islam allows all legal means of sexual pleasure after marriage. It promotes marriage as an act of piety and makes it lawful for you to marry “believing chaste women” (5:5). You are required to marry before you slip into adultery. Marriage has been made easier for you which essentially means nothing more than the mutual consent of two partners within knowledge of two witnesses. To help your choice of a likable spouse, you are allowed to have a necessary glance at your prospective candidate in a limited relaxation of Islamic dress code. If you (men or women) do not like your proposed candidate, you are under no obligation to agree to that marriage as there is prohibition of “inheriting women against their will” regardless of parental position (4:19). In order to give a festive look to your marriage, you are allowed (but not mandated) to have wedding formalities like decorations, feasting, video recording, harmless entertainment, honeymoon etc.

(b) Promoting Conjugal Love: In your life, probably nothing can be emotionally more important than the marriage, as you have never been so close to a member of opposite sex. You will therefore have full reservoir of unspent love for dedicating to your spouse which is almost impossible for those who had love affairs too often with too many partners before marriage. In order to make this happen, God can lock your heart up with a matching “mate of like nature” and put “love and kindness between your (hearts)” as a divine sign to ponder over (7:189; 30:21). In order to make a case for good behavior with the women, Islam stands by God’s earlier revelation that the first woman Eve was created from Adam’s bent rib and therefore too much pressure to straighten their behavior could break them in backfire. Modeling love as key to matrimonial relation, the Prophet once declined invitation of someone only because his wife Ayesha was not part of it. Given such priority of love between couples, Muslim couples tend to have lower rate of loveless marriage leading to divorce and higher percentage of durable marriage, by comparison.

(c) Blessing Legal Sex:  In order that you can use marriage as the best solution to your desire for sex, God does not hesitate to encourage your sex behavior with your wife as a kind of good deed. He, therefore, metaphorically cites your wife as your “cultivable land (as means for sex for fertilization)” (2:223).  Accordingly, He encourages you to “approach your land or tilth whenever (except during fasting and menstruation period) or however you want (saving anal or other inappropriate methods)” (2:223). To that end, you are encouraged to stay close to your spouse and have a private room for your conjugal living where even a minor child cannot enter unpermitted. God specified “three times of your undress”: before fazr prayer, after Isha prayer and afternoon rest (24:58).  

(d) Divorce Preferable to Adultery:  Apart from above cited mental peace and pleasure, there are many more in the blessings package from God. He urges you to be in good mental and physical relations with your spouse as long as you are in marriage bond. If any diehard problems of adjustment keep you virtually apart, you cannot establish sex relations with anyone other than your legally married spouse. In that case, divorce is very much allowed to clear your way for remarriage through which “God may bring about a new situation” with chances for you to live happily with another partner (65:1). Islam thus follows the policy of ‘0’ tolerance for adultery outside marriage and gives 100% support to sexual practices within marriage legalized under oath with God.

 (3) Wellbeing of the Children: (i) Parental Care: A typical Islamic family is not only rich in love and trust between the couples but is also strong in parental affection and care for their children. As married couples, you have legal obligations to your children which you cannot deny. God warned you from being unjust and cruel to the extent of “killing” your children (81:9). Instead, you are obligated to provide them with the basic needs including food, clothes, shelter, healthcare and education until they are able to stand on their feet. Until and unless they are able to earn their own bread or if they are never able to do so due to disability, you cannot drive them out from your home. You will be in duty-bound to train them in manners and morality so they become good citizens and never a nightmare for the police. You will spend for their quality education so they can make their honorable living. In sum, you need to do the needful to secure their present and build their future.

(ii) Contrast with Children out of Wedlock: You will see quite a different picture of upbringing of children born out of wedlock. They are unlikely to get adequate parental care and discipline necessary for the healthy growth of their body and mind. Their father, facing no legal bindings, often runs away from the responsibility of paying for their living. Then mom as the single parent struggles to support them, leaving them behind during work to their grandparent, in-house paid baby sitter or outdoor day care center etc. In case they are abandoned by both the parents, they may be raised by adopted parents, foster homes or government run facilities etc. In any case, such children are likely to face the following problems: (i) shortage of basic needs, (ii) emotional distress for lack of parental love, (iii) lack of manners and discipline, and (iv) abusive treatment from surrogate parents. You will almost never see this type of problems in a Muslim family.

(4) Old Age Security for the Parents/Grandparents:

Time changes the today’s young couples into tomorrow’s graying parents or grandparents when they are too old to work and possibly too weak to walk. At this critical time, as elderly parents/grandparents you won’t have to worry about anything, for you will get back the quality care with which you raised your children. Your children, now grown up and in charge of their own family, will not consider you external to their family, as they are mandated to “behave kindly” and support you when you “reach the old age in your life” (17:23). This provision built in Islam allows you to live happily with your grandchildren amidst the family, relieved of worries for subsistence.  Here you are more fortunate than the elders of many modern societies where the culture of nuclear family forces them out to live in state managed systems, like an elderly center or nursing home etc.  That is where they get some economic help or physical care but suffer from emotional vacuum due to negligence in their care or seclusion from the dear ones.

Conclusion: It is quite understandable from above that Islam presents an ideal family model that can ensure and enhance the real wellbeing of the society as a whole.