Islam for Muslims
- THE FAITH OF MUSLIMS
- GOOD DEEDS IN PERSONAL LIFE
- GOOD DEEDS IN SOCIAL LIFE
The Roles of Family & Parents
Introduction: The head of the household or the guardian of family, usually the husband or sometimes his wife, can play an incredible role in turning the family into a highly disciplined and virtuous social unit. The family is where the children are brought up and their young age is the best time for shaping up their soft mind in the mold of Islam. In this way, whatever early imprints they have on their mind in a family setting tend to have lasting impacts which are very hard to erase or replace. As a guardian, if you raise them up in an Islamic fashion, they are likely not only to be good Muslims but also famous citizens. In fact, the parents or guardians are expected to follow the example of Luqman who said “Oh my son! establish regular prayer, enjoin what is just and forbid what is wrong, be patient with any adversity” (31:17).
(A) The Family Chief: Ordinarily, every person belongs to a family and every family is run by a leader who is often the father (husband) or sometimes the mother as well.
Advantages: In a typical Islamic family, if you are the head of the household, you will command substantial respect and influence over the remainder of family. The reasons are: (i) God recognizes that there should be a leader “as protectors and maintainers” of the family (4:34); (ii) Other members are legally dependent on you (the leader) for a living until and unless they become self-reliant; (iii) their loyalty to you is natural due to blood relation ties. Thus, being in charge of the family, you are advantaged with some power and influence. You can and should exercise this influence for guiding your family in the light of Islam. The Prophet warned: “Be mindful that all of you are like a shepherd of your family and you will be held accountable for your flock in the Day of Judgment”.
Home-based Dawah: In fact, your duty toward Islam begins at home. It is your foremost duty to plant Islam first inside your family before you pursue similar mission outside. This duty is not a community obligation like preaching among people at large which others can do on your behalf. Instead, this is your personal obligation as you are responsible for the wellbeing of your family and normally you should not leave the job for any outsider by compromising with your family privacy.
Therefore, you are advised to “save yourselves and your families from the Fire” by “enjoining prayer on your people” in the family and turning your “houses into places of worship” (66:6; 20:132; 10:87). If you comply with these orders, you will benefit from safety of divine penalty and co-sharing the credits of your pious dependents. By contrast, if you let them go freely along their corrupt way, then you will find “among your wives and children (some that are) enemies to yourselves” (64:14). One way of explaining this is that on the Day of Judgment, they will hold your inaction accountable for their miserable ending.
Caring Do’s & Don’ts for Dependents: As a leader, you could do the following:
(i) Early schooling: You should send your children to mosque or elementary Islamic school for early Islamic orientation including learning about the basics of Quran, methods of prayer and so on. Home tutoring can also be a supplement.
(ii) Pursuit of Knowledge: You can give importance to attending Islamic events at mosques or elsewhere along with your family to help your children with Islamic knowledge and motivation. In addition, you can try to bring Islamic knowledge closer to your family members by yourself holding periodic (e.g. weekly) discussion sessions at your home or assigning them with Islamic reading and so on.
(iii) Role Model: Learning Islam is meaningless without practice. You must act yourself as a good role model for your children. Live by examples so they may learn from your exemplary behavior and virtuous actions. Besides, you should inspire them to practice the essentials like prayer, fasting etc. no later than their attainment of puberty.
(iv) Moral Training: Give your family members hands-on training on morality. First, begin with oral advice on Islamic code of conduct covering modest dress, halal food, right-handed practice, benign fun, manners of talking and walking and so on. Then show them the practical way of acting up to these advice. Next, monitor and evaluate their conduct. If they meet Islamic standard, appreciate their actions with factual praise. Otherwise, give them feedback for making corrections or improvements. Try not to rebuke or beat them up unless you have to. Why should you be negative when you can fulfill the same purpose in a better way by your positive words? Evidently, fact-based praise may reinforce good deeds while rebuke may dampen their potentials. Particularly unnecessary physical punishment can be counter-productive by making them defiant.
(v) Guided Practice: If you attend prayer congregations at mosque, try to have your children join you. Exceptions apply to your young baby who would not mind to urinate in the mosque or your noisy child whom you cannot stop from distracting others. If you pray at home, you can lead a prayer congregation comprising your family. Give some of them a log book to record their 5 times prayers so you can monitor their daily performance. Use their hands to donate money in the way of God. Particularly in their teens, keep eyes on how they spend their time and whom they socialize with.
(vi) Adults: Your responsibilities listed above are especially relevant for your children and dependents. These may also apply to the adult members if needed with some desirable adjustments. Do not forget to count your servants (male or female) as part of your household. You must give them chances to clear obligations like prayer and fasting. You must not allow or force them to sin for your personal benefits.
(vii) Beyond Family: Outside your immediate family, you also should try to promote Islam in the extended zone of your influence like relatives, friends, subordinate officials etc. “Warn your nearest kinsman. Enjoin prayer on your people” (26:214; 20:132). In this way, if every leader of households tries to bring their families within the fold of Islam, then the whole of Muslim society (which is simply a combination of families) can possibly come under the protective umbrella of Islam.
(B) The Roles of Women: The women can also play commendable roles in promoting Islam. The early history of Islam suggests that these potentials of women are very much real. The Prophet’s wife Aysha ®, for example, made her place as a leading religious scholar and instructor on feminine matters. In the holy battlefields, Khawlah like many other women displayed rare skills in fighting and nursing. Likewise, many Muslim women in the medieval Mongol dynasty showed their success in guiding their royal husbands like Berke Khan (a grandson of Genghis Khan) to Islam. This successful history acts as an ever-burning inspiration for women in general toward helping Islam.
(1) As a Wife: The women and men have equal chance to gain Paradise if they qualify. With that in mind, women should be equipped with necessary knowledge in order to rival men in practicing Islam with divine standard. This not only means holding the “Five Pillars” up and strong but also doing much more beyond. You will manage your home with care and skill and show due respect to your husband, as an act of piety and a source of emotional strength for your children. You will have modest clothing on and will “guard” your chastity as a trust during husband’s absence (4:34).
God wants to see the believing men and women as “protectors, one of another” (9:71). Accordingly, you must fill the role as a righteous advisor to your husband. As bedfellows and partners, you are likely to have the highest influence on your husband. As a good wife you can make good use of this influence and help your husband with positive advisory roles to be on the right track leading to Paradise. For example, you can encourage your husband to do good deeds like rising early for morning prayers (preceded by shower if needed) and discourage him from drinking or making fortunes through illegal income and so on. By contrast, a bad wife can do just the opposite, paving way to Hell for husband and herself as well. The Prophet therefore considered a pious wife to be the most precious asset in a husband’s life and left advice to prioritize her righteousness among eligibilities while choosing a wife.
(2) As a Mother: The women as mother hold the key to shaping the nation’s future by raising children as worthy citizens. This motherhood role is emphasized in the symbolic saying of the Prophet: the Paradise of the children lies at the feet of their mothers. Now let us see how as a mother you can better perform your duties to your children.
(i) Early Childhood: As an expectant mother, you need to practice virtuous deeds (e.g. prayer, dua, recitation etc.) which may help build up character of the residents of your womb. Once your babies are born, it is ideal to pronounce some words of faith (‘shahada’) or ‘adhan’ at their ears as a formal beginning of their Muslim identity. As parents, you should give them an Islamic name and perform their prescribed rites of sacrifice (‘aquiqa’) preferably on the 7th day of birth. You will breastfeed your children for “2 whole years” for their healthy growth (2:233). During their baby years, you will implant on their mind the basic ideas of God combined with other articles of faith. For example, when you pass by any scenic beauties like beautiful ocean, garden flowers, zoo animals, rainbow etc., you can form a layer of faith on their mind by introducing these objects as the wonderful creations of God. You can also give them ideas about brilliant performance of the Prophet, his companions, other prophets and the like. These early imprints on their mind about faith are very pivotal as these will tend to live on with the ability to overpower any adverse ideas they may come across during later years.
(ii) Promotion of Virtues: You should introduce your children to good habits and virtues like offering prayers, reciting the Quran, good manners, truthfulness, charity, thrift, punctuality, patience etc. To get this job well done, you need to focus more on carrots (Paradise and earthly incentives) than sticks (Hellfire and physical punishment).
(iii) Prevention of Vices: In the same token, you should try to keep your children away from bad practices like mentally depressing video game addiction, selfishness, wastefulness, hating the poor, cursing, quarreling, backbiting, jealousy etc. by showing logical arguments against them. You should also set positive examples by refraining from vicious actions that can inspire their bad habits. Accordingly, you should keep from giving them any false hope, telling false story, scaring them with ghost stories, watching with them violent and obscene movies and the like. Your parental affection should not keep you from advising your grown-up child on prayer even in wintry morning. Also, you should build their strong base for their studentship in an ideal school.
Conclusion: It is therefore apparent that the family leadership and parental roles are central to developing your child as a good Muslim and ideal citizen.